I’ve been lost. I’ve been internalizing. I’ve been sad.
In what should be the best time of my life, the first year of my marriage, I have been the saddest I have ever been. The reasons simple, yet deep. The causes, many. The outcome, I’m getting there…
For the record, the marriage portion is AMAZING! The marriage is what is getting me through the muck. But, there are things that have made me question me, question others, question the integrity of individuals in general and question if men (people really) truly live up to their convictions and their beliefs. Are people truly innately good? Do people truly “do the right thing” more often than not? Do those individuals who deceive and hurt understand what they are doing? And how about those people that sit around and let the manipulations happen, what kind of people are they?
I am a very happy person by nature and therefore get very internal when sadness hits. I, in some ways torture myself with the emotion, play music that draws out the feelings, makes me live the feelings and go through the emotions.

2009 has been a doozey of emotion thus far and I understand life will always throw at you only what you can handle. That easy was never a word defining life. And that the hard/sad/difficult makes the sweet ever so sweet. If you know me, you know I survived cancer a couple years ago… well, we are heading back to doctors as something is “just not right”. The tests will continue, the outcome, I am certain will be a-okay, but the journey to get there is always long and tiring. If you know me, you also know I changed jobs in January… best thing that could have happened to my career, by far. However; losing friends, changing routines & navigating through something new has been the most difficult emotional adjustment I have ever made. I am a loyalist and therefore find most of my value in the relationships I build rather than the work I do. I pride myself in my work and my intelligence, but I personally find my value in the relationship and memories that come out of that work, that relationship… It has been the most difficult adjustment I have made in my life. If you know me… then you know.

I just recently read every blog entry I had posted over the course of 2008 and found that this is where I found my sanity, this is where I went to vent, this is where all those things I could not say, would not say, landed… So, I am back. Back to navigate to good and back to share joy as well as sadness…