“All the art of living lies in the fine mingling of letting go and holding on.”
I need an escape. A new adventure. Something to look forward to. A change.
As most of you know, my life has changed drastically in the past year. The benchmark event was certainly the birth of Avery Grace. The best day of my life, my greatest accomplishment, an adventure I am so proud to be on. Since that day there have been magical moments; her first smile, the first time she sat up on her own, when she started eating cereal, the first time she rolled over, when she started crawling, laughing, chatting, standing, etc. Her magic and her essence has been the best gift of my life, the greatest reward I could have ever been given. My little miracle.
Amongst all these joys and happy moments there was a lingering sadness. My marriage was ending. It was unraveling. It was crumbling around me. I will take blame where blame is due. I was void emotionally, I was distant and sad often, I was panicked and angry. I am not writing about my divorce to point fingers, I know we both carry sadness, anger and opinions. I know we both have wishes and wants. And I know we both are struggling through the process in our own way. And I know, that for me, this is the right decision. We both deserve to be happy and we both deserve magical lives.
I don’t know how to face divorce. I don’t know the best approach to take. I don’t know the way in and out of emotion that is adult and mature. I don’t know how to un-hurt, un-love, un-care and un-do what has been done. I don’t know how to change what my heart has so strongly decided on. I don’t know how to be alone any other way than I currently have been. I have been more introverted, more stubborn, more determined, less motivated, less inclined to do chores, more cautious, more forgiving, more fearful and more independent. This process is a long, sad, painful one that has allowed me to find myself. It has encouraged me to have courage and strength through the darkest days, saddest hours, most hurtful moments. It has taught me just how much I love me and that I am unwilling to sacrifice too much of myself for any one person. It has provided me the strength to respect those in similar situations, it has provided me the ability to see situations from multiple different perspectives, it has changed me.
Now that Avery and I have been living on our own for nearly 8 months we are getting into the swing of things. We are laughing a lot more. We are exploring and we are creating a routine. Her dad is very much still in the picture and their bond is incredible. She lights up when he comes around and I know she loves spending time with him when she does. Never is she sad to leave.
I am ready… ready to start exploring. Ready to start planning travel. Ready to bake more. Ready to cook up new recipes. Ready to try new restaurants. Ready to follow my day dreams into reality. Ready to show Avery the world. Ready to go to California and explore Disney and Sea World. Ready to ride bikes and eat ice cream on curbs. Ready to go to the movies. Ready to laugh so hard it hurts. Ready to get lost in adventure. Ready to smile from deep inside. Ready to teach my daughter about happiness. Ready to read books with Avery. Ready to live life.
Time to start the next chapter in this life. I appreciate all the experiences I have had. I appreciate all the love I have experienced. I appreciate the broken hearts and the tears shed. Time to start living.