Melanie Jeanne

Restrooms, G & High Power

Bathroom stalls… yes, it is where business gets taken care of, but for me emotionally it is where I go to hide and cry. When the weight of the world is overwhelming me and everything feels to be a bit too much, I head to the public restroom at work and hide out in a stall and just cry. It may be due to the closed and confined space, there is a safety and security in that. There is a protection in being surrounded by four walls where no one is able to get in, yet hearing that there are others just outside the door. I am not alone, yet I am safe from any harm.

I hid in the stall this morning. This day has been one where I have identified my emotions and realize that I feel rejected, frustrated, lost, emotionally abused, defeated, broken and just sad. I feel each emotion uniquely and a unique circumstance is driving each emotion. Today is a struggle. It is a struggle to see the good in myself and not focus solely on the defects of character I carry with me. Today is one of those days where the next communication, the next comment, the next struggle; that one, that one may be just too much and I may break.
And today more than ever before I know I need to find my spiritual center. During my morning shower I cried freely, I shook and I sobbed. I felt my hurt and my fears. I felt the way my emotions felt beaten on the inside, all the way to the outside. I felt the bum through and through. In the car I sat silently, not one words spoken, not one song sang out loud and the feelings continued and the tears fell, as they should, when they should, where they should. I got to work and kept to myself. And then it happened. The stalls were calling my name. I went, I crumbled in my sanctuary, I started recovering.

And then that spiritual center that I am seeking, though I don’t know what or where I am talking these days… well it answered. Just like that my friend G reached out, saying she knew I wasn’t me, that she wanted to know what was up. My higher power sent me G to talk through each emotion; we reviewed the feeling, what it was tied to, why I was feeling it so harsh today and her neutral perspective helped me through each one. My mountain, my too much to handle, my crushing heartache; it slowly cleared. Her words allowed me to know I do not see the forest through my trees, that I hyper focus on the emotions tied to a situation rather than the facts, that I hang on to the fears rather than the need for peace in my heart and letting go, that I stumble through my emotions and only understand I hurt, but don’t know just yet how to clear the hurt.

I took a deep breathe right then and I started today over. Today has been a good day and I thank my higher power for bathroom stalls, G and being present even though I don’t know where to begin…

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