Melanie Jeanne

Fear of Failure

Life… wow, it is tough and it is beautiful. And this whole parenting thing, it is tough and it is beautiful.

I realize I am riddled with fear of failure. I am nervous about screwing everything up. I am hopeful that I am on the right path, but feel, most days, that I am just not doing it right. My sweet bug has been one young toddler, with one rough road so far. I feel like right now I am at the Y in the road and I want to choose the right path.

You see sweet little Avery was born into a perfect storm of love, excitement and sadness. Her dad and I were moving through the divorce process and we were incredibly excited for her arrival and incredibly saddened by the end of our relationship. And as with all things and change in life there is turmoil and anger and sadness and courage. So, as to say, not everyday was perfect. There was a lot of fighting, a lot of fear and a lot of anxiety. Emotions that she sponged right off of. As we traveled to the better side of our divorce, more life changes occurred. Now we are both in relationships, relationships that bring many additional people into her life. Bonus sissies and a bonus brother. Bonus adults too. Again, those relationships and dynamics create positive emotions, and sometimes negative, that she sponges right off of. Not to mention, the wee one is in her twos. And her twos is a new territory for me. There are more colors in the emotional rainbow, there are more ebbing and flowing from strong emotions and there is more emotional neediness.

With all that being said, my fears stem from the new personality and emotions that Avery is showing. She is having night mares, even during nap time. She is waking shaking. She is crying more, whining more, throwing tantrums more. She has more attitude and more sass around her bonus people. She cries big, deep, emotion tears over simple things. And she shows terror in my departure. There is a desperation in her emotions and her fears.

Let me be clear… there are incredible days too. Incredible emotions as well. There is joy and pure excitement and fun. There is growth and learning and happiness. She has the full gamut of emotions. Let me be clear, as a mother it is my duty to navigate through her emotions and teach her healthy ways to express her sadness and fear. In this moment I don’t know which way is up.

I long for my wee one to experience normalcy. To experience consistency in her life. To know love from every angle and discipline and feel safe with both. I long for her to feel only happiness and love surrounding her. To see a constant flow of positive emotions. To feel safe in her home. To dream big happy dreams and smile huge happy smiles. I long to understand what is at the root of her nightmares and why her emotions are so intense. I long to do better at putting work stress at bay in her presence. I long to navigate my own emotions in a more healthy manner so as not to impact her negatively. I long for patience, happiness and love for the both of us in our relationship.

Here’s hoping I figure this parenting thing out soon. All I can hope for is to be better at it than I was yesterday.

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