Melanie Jeanne

I Owe It To Me


I am an imperfect person. A person who feels too much, thinks too much, worries too much, makes up too much crazy and sometimes loves too hard. I am a woman who has many improvements to make upon myself and I am a woman who gets lost in moments of despair and sadness. Insert heavy sigh… I AM NOT PERFECT. Thankfully, I don’t want to be. Thankfully, I am alright with being a hot mess occasionally, thankfully I understand that in order to love myself I have to understand myself, thankfully I know there is no such thing as perfect and thankfully I am thinking logically right this moment.
This imperfect person, this imperfect me, she has spent many year and many dollars in therapy. I spent one hour, once weekly, talking to my therapist. Chatting about the ins and outs of my mind. Determining why I was me, what parts of me were broken and why they were broken. We spent many days talking about the same exact thing, over and over and over. We spent many hours letting me cry it out. Letting me learn through the tears and letting me discover that I was good enough, I am good enough. Therapy is a journey of insanity. An individual asking someone else to dissect the parts of them that they are unwilling to venture to alone. The parts that remain locked up and hidden away. The parts that they believe are unworthy of love and attention. The parts they do not want to believe reside in themselves. We pay therapists to hold our hand through that scary journey, to ensure there is someone else in the room when we meet the us we hate, to make sure that that person isn’t in control and that that person doesn’t take over.

The journey was incredible, challenging, nerve racking, enlightening and something I HAD TO DO. However, it became a burden, it became something that started defining me, it became a challenge to feel healthy while always talking about my unhealthy bits. The groups I joined quite frankly scared me, the people didn’t, but the beliefs in myself that started to develop became unhealthy. I started convincing myself that I was sicker and lonelier than I truly was. I started missing my good parts, my happy, my energetic, my loving self that seemed to be lost in the shuffle. I took a break. I took a much needed breather from the day to day, from the constant scrutiny of my bad bits and from the continual focusing on the broken parts. For the past 6 months I have not dedicated one moment of time to self improvement, rather to living. It was refreshing and it was needed. It made me put into practice what I had learned about myself and it made me focus on the good, fun, happy parts again. I lived life for a while and I was content to just be. There were no challenges that were too great, no fears that were too strong and no worries that I couldn’t logically and emotionally navigate.

But, as with all illnesses, one must always manage their health. One must always have their finger on the pulse of where they are at, where they want to be and what they need to do to get there. This summer has been rough. Work has worn me down, taken my energy and sucked me right out of my happy place. My personal life has been crazy busy, with a toddler to negotiate with, blending families, learning buttons, breathing deep and trying to stay in emotional control. Needless to say, I have lost myself. I have not been lost to worst depths of me, to the person I don’t ever want to be again. But, I have lost myself to the co-dependent who worries, who fears, who makes crazy, who investigates, who stops eating, who is scared to say the wrong thing, who will do anything to make others feel safe. I have lost myself to the person who puts others first and therefore sabotages what is good, through fear and anxiety.

It is time. It is time for me to visit my therapist again. To refocus my energy on my health. Refocus on having two strong emotional feet to stand on. I know this much, no decision made right now will be made from an emotionally sound place, therefore no decision will be the right decision. No decisions will be made with my health and happiness in mind. I will either be hanging on for too long due to fear or I will be letting go too soon due to frustration. I owe this to myself, I owe myself the right to stand on two emotionally happy and healthy feet and live. I owe it to Avery to have confidence in my heart and peace in my head. I owe it to those I love to navigate our relationship from an honest place, a place where healthy energy is expended and love exists. I owe it myself to be the best me I can be, to be the me I want to be, to love myself enough to take care of myself. It is time.

Leave a Reply