Where did my baby go? Today I am feeling extraordinarily sentimental, a little sad, a little lonely, but mostly sentimental. We have been living in a “working on growing up” haze for nearly a week (yes, there was time spent with her daddy and her grandma that relieved me of my haze). But today… today I am thinking about what the haze actually means. It means my baby is growing up. It means I no longer, nor will I ever again, have a baby. It means that the teeny tiny toes, the pursed lips, the magical little coos, the first bath, the first smile, the first word, all the baby firsts are over.
I knew this was my path and I was and still am okay with only having one child. I never wanted “just one”, but after the pregnancy I had, the divorce and the re-start, it made sense and it was okay. Doodle is a perfect little Doodle in all her imperfections and just her is just enough. In fact… I don’t know if I am capable of being a good mom to more than just one. I don’t know if I have the capacity, the patience or the resolve to mommy more than one. Let me be clear… I love my bonus girls like they were my own, I’m just not certain I’m supposed to create & birth more than one. Most days I don’t feel like I deserve this honor to be called Mommy.
But today, today, it all hit me. My daughter, my Doodle, my miracle… she is no longer a baby. And today… Today I am very sad about it. Today I am sad that her squishy little face won’t snuggle into my collar bone. Today I am sad that her teeny tiny hands won’t squeeze my fingers. Today I am sad that her little legs are no longer wobbly. Today I am sad that exploration is no longer about exploring the tupper ware cupboard. Today I am sad… I am sad that I did not slow down to capture more of it. Today I am sad that I was living life so fast that I missed out on the date she said her first word, the date she took her first step, the date her first tooth popped through… The memory of when is vivid. I can replay her first steps in my head over and over again, but I could never tell her the exact date.
I am so proud of my wee one and so grateful to have so many blessed memories. Today I am sad she is growing up so fast. I loved her then, I love her now, I’ll love her when.